“Everything that you thought had meaning: every hope, dream, or moment of happiness. None of it matters as you lie bleeding out on the battlefield. None of it changes what a speeding rock does to a body, we all die. But does that mean our lives are meaningless?
Does that mean that there was no point in our being born? Would you say that of our slain comrades? What about their lives? Were they meaningless?…
They were not! Their memory serves as an example to us all! The courageous fallen! The anguished fallen! Their lives have meaning because we the living refuse to forget them! And as we ride to certain death, we trust our successors to do the same for us!
Because my soldiers do not buckle or yield when faced with the cruelty of this world! My soldiers push forward! My soldiers scream out! My soldiers RAAAAAGE!”
…Erwin Smith in Attack on Titan
“Will we get out of this alive?”
“maybe, maybe not”
“will life go on even when we’re gone?”
“now that I can answer with certainty”
“yes?”
“yes”
I rolled on my side to face the wall as I slowly slipped into my dreams. It had been a long month, we were glad to at least be breathing at the end of it all.
I joined the army when the war broke out for a million reasons. Leaving Jane wasn’t one of them. Pregnant and all, losing a husband wasn’t an idea she wanted to entertain but my decision was set in stone. We fought about it for days. Almost like a mock war in itself.
“someone has to make sure we have a country for the little ones”
“that someone doesn’t have to be you Chidi!”
She was right, but if we all relied on “someone” then no one would do it.
“I loved you, I love you for your heart of gold, but please even if not for me, for Amara”
“it’s a girl?”
I asked as tears welled up in my eyes genuflecting to caress her swollen belly holding new life, my daughter’s.
“yes Chidi, Amara. Do it for Amara. Please stay”
I stayed in that position for a long moment feeling Jane’s warm belly and cold tears as they dropped to my hands.
I was conflicted. Deeply conflicted. Fight for a safe country or watch my daughter grow. As ridiculous as it sounds, it was a tough choice.
Sleeping in the trenches with a gun for a teddy bear, I realize I’m still conflicted. It’s been a month and the war wasn’t going anywhere. I still wonder what Jane’s reaction is, how she feels knowing I crept out in the dark of night to board the plane here. She’d be disappointed, no, she’d just leave knowing I chose the war and not she and Amara. I don’t know how to convince her it was a tough choice. I don’t know how or if I ever will.
I tap my chest over the pocket where I have a picture of Jane safely tucked in. I love her, with my all heart. I loved her enough to want to fight for us even when that meant fighting a war that wasn’t mine.
It is well, it will be well.
“Private Chidi!”
The scream was enough to snap me to reality, yet not sufficient to alert the enemy of our base.
“letter for you”
Odd, only Jane knew about me leaving,
wait,
Jane?
I scurry to the nearest Halogen lantern as I extract the content of the small brown envelope.
It was from Jane, the handwriting without even reading it was hard to miss. The scent of her perfume too. I think I could feel an erection coming along.
Chidi focus!
“Hey Champ,
I don’t know when this will reach you considering it’s only the courier that can deliver to the war zones and we know how fast they can be”
Sarcasm was her bread and butter. One of the many things that drew me to her. This was asides her voluptuousness. I really need to focus at this point.
“it did take a while to come to terms with the reasons for your departure and now more than ever, I do wish you kissed my forehead before leaving. I stayed up all night the night you left praying that you would do what was right, I guess you did. More now than ever, I love you with my all and I stand behind you my dearest and you are ever in my prayers. If and when you do return, you owe me a farewell and a welcome kiss to the forehead.
Your forever,
Jane”
In the cold night, I felt warm, a smile invaded my face almost ripping it apart. I loved this lady.
Yet and unfortunately so, I was a realist, I would return, but not on my own two feet or maybe in a box.
I would hurt her, this woman I loved. I might. It hurt to realize this. But as they say in show business, “the show must go on”.
I returned to my post. Emeka was still up. Emeka wasn’t the type of person that should be at war fronts, but, here he was.
He panicked very easily, a pessimist per excellence and yet, a fine soldier. He sat up upon my approaching footsteps. He wasn’t asleep I noticed. I crash into the makeshift bed we shared staring into the starry night, silent except for the occasional scout footsteps.
“Will we get out of this alive?” he asked, joining me to stare at the night sky.
“maybe, maybe not”
“will life go on even when we’re gone?”
“now that I can answer with certainty”
“yes?”
“yes”
I don’t know if that helped him but that ended that exchange. I was scared for the next moment, for the next day, for the future. Now more than ever, I wanted Jane.
“if man has a why, he can brave through any how”
Almost like Emeka was reading my mind.
“thanks Emeka, I needed that”
When the day breaks or when the siren goes off, whichever goes first, we will brace ourselves and march to fight another man’s war and we will keep at it until the men at the top decide to shake hands or we annihilate the enemy or they annihilate us. Whichever comes first.
Two things are certain, I would march into war with Jane and the unborn Amara in my heart and I would return to them alive or in a box. Whichever happens first. Till then, dearest Jane and now, Amara, I love you with my all,
your forever,
Chidi.
Shinzo wo sasageyo (Dedicate your hearts)
